If you choose to not be friends anymore, then fine. Just know that I’m willing to work to get to a point where I feel like I can trust you again. If you don’t want to, however, then we’ll go our separate ways. Don’t say you’ve lost me as a friend, because you haven’t yet. I get a say in this too. My trust in you has taken a serious blow, but I don’t think it’s enough for me to say goodbye just yet.

I’m the type of person who believes in her astrological sign, and with me being a Taurus, we don’t tolerate bullshit, so I won’t put up with any if you decide you still want to be friends with me.

Now I might be sticking out my neck for you, but that’s the type of person I am. I’ll do (just about) anything for my friends, so all that I ask of you is that you don’t make me regret it. Because you’re on thin ice with me right now, and I could easily say “fuck it,” but I’m not. If there’s still a chance, I’ll hold onto it until the very end.

You are a wonderful person when you don’t have blinders on. You’re great when you don’t shut everything else out.

Just remember that, ok?

I still want to talk about it, because I need to get it out of my system, or else I’ll carry around resentment, and I think we need a clean slate. Don’t you?

Sincerely,

Her

I am a patient person, I really am. But I hate it when people say they’ll do something and then don’t do it. I understand that life can get in the way, and sometimes things get messy. But you know, it makes me feel like I’m not important. I don’t mean to sound dramatic or some shit like that, but I’ve always had it in my head that I’m not good enough. For anything, for anyone, for anything. And it’s times like these where it just sort of.. reinforces that notion. As stupid as it sounds, it’s how I feel.

Gah, and now I’m upset. I hate this. I’ve a very gullible person. Anyone could tell me something, and 9 times out of 10 I’ll believe them. I try and look for the good in people, but I just end up getting hurt in the end. I’m not saying you’re doing it on purpose, because I trust that you aren’t, but still. I feel like an idiot when I wait up late, when though I have an 8am the next morning. I hate it when I check my phone for any missed calls or texts,  even though my phone’s been next to me and I would have heard it virbrate. Just wishful thinking I guess.

Fuck, now I feel like a child for getting upset about this. Kids will (often) believe anything that’s told to them.

So yeah, I guess I’m a child then. Whatever.

I know you’ve got a boyfriend now, and you want to spend time with him to get to know him. I get that, and completely respect that. That’s why I don’t call you because i don’t want to interrupt that time you get with him. But just…call if you say you will. Otherwise, don’t make me wait up believing that you’ll call me. A simple text message saying “can’t call you tonight” will suffice.

Sincerely,

Her

Speaking of throwing up, yeah. I don’t feel so good.

If I had known that you guys didn’t like your birthday, then I wouldn’t have gotten you anything. A, if they want to send the packages back, that’s fine. I can always return them, because I always keep my receipts. Fuck, I don’t know why I get/got so upset. I just… wanted to do something nice. Especially since i don’t get to see you guys that much. At all. I don’t really like my birthday either but (for me) it’s nice to know that some people care about you enough to think of you on your birthday, let alone buy you a gift.

This isn’t a rant. I feel like I messed up and did something I shouldn’t have. But in all honesty, if they don’t want them, I’ll take them back. It’s ok.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the Christmas presents.

Sincerely,

Her

Developed my 2nd roll of film for my final photography project. I’ll try and print some stuff tomorrow, so hopefully I have good enough shots.

Bored. Don’t really feel like blogging, since nothing of great significance happened as of late. But then again, nothing of great significance happens to me. :pessimist:

Sincerely,

Her

Last night was pretty cool. C  showed up early and we played 5 games of pool. We each lost a game due to technicalities (like hitting the 8-ball in before I was supposed to), but I ended up beating him, which was so awesome. XD  We headed back to my dorm so I could get ready for the party. We had to walk all the way back to where the party was, because there was no parking spaces open on campus. Oh well. I was in heels after I got dressed up, and oh. my. god. Do NOT walk long distances in heels if you are not used to wearing them. I have blisters and (TMI) semi-open sores on my feet now, so I walk funny for the time being.

Anyway, I felt a little awkward at the party at first. No one really talked to me except for C, but after I had my 2 beers and half of a margarita, I was pretty much gone. I also drank on an empty stomach, and I know that is a big no-no. Need to remember to eat next time… But anyway. Once I loosened up, it got better. This one asked me to slap him, so I sort of tapped him a little bit, then he motioned for me to hit him harder, so I did. This went on a few times, and he was like “See? I can’t feel anything!” Then this girl and I double-teamed him and we both slapped him at the same time. I think he still didn’t feel anything. This guy dressed up as the Dos Equis guy was a regular that C and I talked to. He told me to “grind on this mother fucker already,” meaning C. Ah, yeah, no. Whne C got there, I felt a little weird, cause I wanted to see R. I had a hard time looking at C sometimes too. And then R texted me. Pretty much made my night, cause he didn’t have to, but he did. So sweet. And then I was referred to as C’s girlfriend, right in front of C’s sister, who I think doesn’t like me, but idk. I was like “Ah, no.” And C said that I was just a friend. Which, one year ago, would have made me upset, but I was kind of glad to hear it this time. Because I don’t think I like C like that anymore. Great guy, but this bomb dropped out of the sky, and threw everything off track. But I’m not complaining, because it made my life more… eventful? Yeah, whatever it did, I think that bomb made my life better. Funny how stuff works out like that.

Was pretty much sober by the time we left the party. I was still able to walk, so I must not have been that drunk in the first place. But once again, I’m not complainning. I’m glad to have left the party with my dignity intact. Nothing funny went down, thank god.

Oh, what is it with people thinking they can pick me up? Like, physically, pick me up? Lol, cause it happened again last night, and I was instantly reminded of Otakon, where I think R got a nice view where I was basically “presented to him.” He seemed to enjoy it, anyway. ^^;

And yelling to random other drunk people is fun. I definitely recommend it.

So yeah. First college holiday party, and I survived. Kudos to me!

Sincerely,

Her

The shitty stuff first. Irresponsible mothers. Seriously, what the fuck? I want to punch you all in the face. I watch a little kid spin the bagging area (that was on a circular rotating device) while the mother just stood there, either not paying attention or choosing to ignore his behavior. Then I watched the kid walk down the aisle, the completely disappear from sight. I don’t know where he was, but he wandered off in the sea of shopping carts and checkout lines. Here’s the kicker: the mother went for a good 2 minutes without realizing that her son was gone. 2 FUCKING MINUTES!! That’s 120 seconds! How can you be a mother and not know where your child went!? FOR 2 WHOLE MINUTES!? You are a shitty mother, and don’t deserve to reproduce. I wanted to fucking smack you, I swear. I can tell you right now, I would not let my… 4 or 5 year old more than 5 feet away form me. Maybe at home, but NOT at a fucking crowded shopping mart. Now can you do that to your child? Oh, and like calling his name 3 TIMES when you finally DO notice when he was gone is going to do anything? And how can you not drop everything you were doing and frantically search for him? How can you not to that.. as a mother? Fucking imbecile. And then the child comes running back around the area calling “Mom! Where are you?” And you just call to him “Over here!” Like what you’re doing is so much more important than reuniting with your child. The human being you carried for 9 months (assuming you didn’t use a surrogate or something), and you just… don’t care? You don’t deserve him. You aren’t fit to be a mother. What if he had been kidnapped? Huh? Bet you’d pay attention to your other children (assuming you already have or will have more) after that, huh? Ugh, go jump off a cliff.

On a lighter note… yesterday… yeah. Thanks again sunny. Really. And was he really smiling and acting the way you said via text message? Last night was one of the greatest nights of my life, as cheesy as it sounds. But he didn’t outright reject talking to me. Although I think I was being a motor-mouth and said “like” WAY too many time. His ears were probably bleeding by the end of the hour.

…I could spend hours explaining how I see you, but they would have to stop time in order for me to say everything I want. I could call you every kind-hearted adjective in the universe, but it would never fully describe the exact way you are. You’re like an enigma to me, and there something about you that’s so different from anybody I’ve ever met in my lifetime. You’ve got to be from another planet, because I can’t believe that someone like you actually exists. But there you are. And just knowing that is a wonderful feeling.

You make me want to sing.

And I hope you like your birthday present.

Gah, I’ve never really felt this way about somebody before. I’m normally the type of person who, when she falls for someone, she falls hard. Similar to “head over heels, forget your mind and just jump.” But I’m, at least, trying to be cautious when it comes to you. I don’t want to rush into this, because I don’t know you all that well. But every time we interact, I can feel myself falling for you a little bit more. Think of it like testing the waters. Put your big toe in, then your foot, your shin, your whole leg, then stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, and finally you fully submerse yourself. And there is no way I’m fully submersing myself yet. I can’t. Not yet.

You never cease to amaze me, and I hope to know you for a long time. You’re wonderful. And I hope you know that.

Sincerely,

Her

And the other you needs to quit being suck a smartass. So you helped me with a class assignment where I had to take pictures of you. In the message that I asked you to help me, I mentioned “Photography assignment/project.” You think I go around with a 35 mm camera for the hell of it? I know some people do, and I might be one of those people after this semester is over, but for fuck’s sake. You know I’m in photography class. And don’t get all “quiet” on us. Fucking bastard. It’s really immature, so no wonder I left both of you at dinner. I walk away when I get angry (I try to anyway), and I didn’t need that negative shit. I had a good day, so don’t fucking ruin it for me! Cause if you do, I’ll remove myself from the situation. Which is what I did.

Go fuck yourselves.

Christmas presents are pretty much figured out for half my list, and those a re the ones I was most nervous about. Glad I got it done. Just got to place the order.

Sincerely,

Her

Glad we’re on the same level now.

:breathes:

Drawing class went really well. The teacher seemed to really like my drawing I was doing in class. I had something else I was planning on doing to it, but I’m not sure if I want to anymore. It looks great the way it is. And my homework came out pretty good, so yay. I did good.

So excited to continue printing my pictures. I was a ball of excitement and nerves when developing my films. I was scared that I might screw something up and I’d lose the negatives. Ugh, but everything turned out great.

Life is pretty good right now.

Sincerely,

Her

You KNOW that I like him, dammit! YOU KNOW THIS! Yet you have to come to a convention that I’ll be at, as will he. God, I’m going to be fighting for his attention, aren’t I? Fuck this shit, it ain’t gonna happen. I won’t let you monopolize all of his time and attention like last time. That shit is NOT going to fly, I can tell you that right now. You might like him because he doesn’t stare at your boobs, but really? I get more face time than you do. So there. I have more chances to connect with him on a level outside of the internet. Gah, I’m so frustrated right now that I’m physically shaking. A very slight shaking, but shaking nonetheless. I’m pretty sure this means something. I like him more than the other guy. I want to get to know him. I want to know what makes him tick. I want to know what his weaknesses are. I want to know the things that he completely geeks out about. I want to know what he wholeheartedly loves. And I want him to know the exact same things about me. It’s not just a want to get to know him better. I need to. I don’t know why, but he’s just so different than anyone I’ve ever met. He’s so different from any guy that I’ve ever met. He’s not an asshole like some/most guys are. He’s genuine, he’s kind, he’s sweet, and not to mention, he’s pretty easy on the eyes too. I want to get to know him better, and I can’t feel like I can do that when you’re around. You want the exact same thing as me, but you just had to go and like him too, huh?

You’re a shitty friend, and I’m almost glad that I don’t really talk to you anymore. It’s like the giant elephant in the room. We both know it’s there, but we’re ignoring it. Fuck that shit. I know you like him, but you know what? I wouldn’t do that to a friend, and I certain wish that no one would do that to me. But nope, you had to prove me wrong didn’t you? Fuck you. I hope they have the dance, because I’m going to look gorgeous in my dress. And that’ll be for you.  Karma is a bitch, huh?

Fuck off. Some friend you are. I want nothing more to do with you.

Sincerely,

Her

That’s for you.

(Post is going to be long and full of emotion, just as a precaution)

Gah, I don’t really know where to start. Last night was kind of difficult. Kept getting excited, the type of excited where it just courses through your whole body, and you can’t help but let it out a little bit. Getting up was easy. The drive was (fairly) easy. Once we got there, I started to get excited. Yeah, lame, I know. But I was really happy to get see you and Raf. Seeing Eddy, Digo, and meeting Lily was like icing on the cake. I wasn’t expecting to see them, but I’m glad they came.

Geh, once again, sorry no one really enjoyed that one museum. There wasn’t a whole bunch there, except for Shaq’s shoe and jackassable. <—My new favorite word. It wasn’t exactly what I had thought it was going to be, but I’m happy that you guys put up with me and humored me at least. And my lack of eating. God, I need to apologize to Raf. And say thank you. I always feel bad when I have to say thanks for picking up the check, because he won’t accept anything in return as a thank you. Except maybe “Thank you.” I’m such an idiot.

And I’m just gonna put this out there, I felt really sad to go home. Like, really sad. I kind of hated giving those quick half-assed hugs at the station. Of course those hugs are special, but… I don’t think anyone really realized how… happy… I was that people actually took the time to get up early and come hang out with me on a Friday day when they could have probably been sleeping. I know that you and Lily had projects to do, so I know I wasn’t the only reason you guys were there. But it’s nice to think/know that you’ve got people who care enough to come and hang out with me. And how long was the drive/ride for you guys? I know you didn’t have to go as far as I did, but every mile is very much appreciated.

It also sucks because I still feel like I didn’t get enough time with everyone. I’m glad that I had until about 6. Really glad, you have no idea. How much would that have sucked if I had to leave as soon as I finished my write-up? Yeah. So major thanks to Erin. It just seems that I never get enough time as I want to with you guys. It’s always at a con, where they’re mostly just at the table, and I can’t hang out there 24/7, because then I would feel like a creeper. Like Geki. Ew. But you guys are all just so close, Especially the 3 of them, and I almost feel like I shouldn’t be there, because I feel like I’m intruding. You know, trying to push my way into their circle of friends. That’s why I’m still kind of quiet, and I don’t really make eye contact with any of them. They’re just so.. unique. I’ve never met anyone like them, and they still kind of intimidate me a little bit, but I’m slightly more open and outgoing around them. I’m loosening up, I swear.

Gah, I don’t want to cry again. This sucks. I just keep remembering you guys getting on the train. I tried to make a hand-heart, thinking that someone would see it, but I don’t think anyone did. I hated getting on my train, and then passing the stop where you guys (probably) got off. I heard 2 stops, and was reminded of them when my train passed them. What made it harder was the fact that I was facing backwards. So I got to see every stop, every platform, every light in the metro area that took me farther away form you guys. As corny and cheesy as it sounds, it’s true. Going back to “not feeling like I have enough time with you guys,” a part of me wanted to get up and get off the train and go back to you guys. To be honest, I wasn’t ready to leave you guys.

I really shouldn’t listen to sappy songs and write this stuff while I’m already in a sad mood.

Another thing that made me sadder/more angry was that whenever we passed a window or something, the outside destination was flashed at me, more like taunting me, with “Viena”. Like it knew that I didn’t want to go, and it was flashing me just out of spite. Anyway, some of the lights on the outside looked like stars when we passed them. Like those Jerusalem stars in the painting, pointing to where the 3 Kings had to go. That’s what I likened them to, anyway. Like a pathway to get back to you guys.

I’m sorry I keep rambling about this. I just didn’t want to go. I hadn’t seen you in almost a year! And I only get one day? Fuck off, life, you know that’s not fair. And everyone is just really fun to be around. I wish I could see you guys more often than just at cons or field trips.

This post is already really long, and guess who texted me first, hm? Yeah. God I hate liking 2 guys at once. I should just give up on Raf. He’s just… so different from everyone else, and I don’t know what it is that attracts me to him. I should figure that out soon, shouldn’t I?

I haven’t looked at the picture fully yet. Kind of nervous to.

And a bruised knee isn’t going to look cute with my Halloween costume. You and I are doing the Moulin Rouge theme one year, I mean it.

“Here in these… deep city lights/Girl could get lost tonight/I’m finding every reason to be gone/There’s nothing here to hold onto…/Could I hold onto you?

All in all, today was amazing. I’m glad I have friends who care enough about me to hang out with me for a few hours.

Really. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Her